December 27, 2008

Acknowledgments: To Anthony Buono, in gratitude for his faith in founding AMS and his sacrifices in sustaining it

Foreword: “The Book of Love is long and boring, and written very long ago.” *

[*whimsical lyrics of a Peter Gabriel tune.]

John and I first “met” when he e-mailed me on December 18, 2005. More than two years later, after ups and down, on-and-off agains, we amazingly, I would say miraculously, became engaged on March 23, 2008, Easter Sunday. Since becoming engaged, we have continued to experience highs and lows, but the unmistakable overall direction we are traveling is toward each other and God. That direction was not always clear to us in our journey.

The particulars of our courtship include elements unique to us as well as universals found in every love story. Whichever of those two categories might be of more relevance to you, we offer “The Book of Love” in the spirit of possibly helping you in your journey in the vocation of marriage, on the Road to Cana. Summarizing our relationship here has also helped us better see the working of the Holy Spirit in it. Thank you for this opportunity to put our story into words.

Introduction: “It’s full of facts and charts and figures.”*

I joined AMS as a demonstration to God of how much I wanted to be married. Though I had referred friends and family to the site for a few years, I myself joined only after a broken relationship left me—well, probably a little insane. I knew at one level that the man I’d been dating and I didn’t quite fit together, but the loss of that love relationship seemed only to further flame the spark of desire to marry that had been rekindled during it. Before that relationship, I’d pretty much come to believe I’d likely not marry, and quite often I have questioned whether I even had what it takes to live the vocation of marriage.

In that state of mind, at the age of 44, I joined AMS. After one year I was in a much calmer place. AMS brought me the opportunity to correspond with a number of gentlemen, and I met three in person. After the first six months, though, things got very quiet and I did not correspond with anyone for months. Hurricane Katrina hit, and a period of intense loneliness lasted through the fall. Just before Christmas 2005, I finally felt I was entering that sought after state of contentment in Jesus alone. I viewed AMS as a way to have some friendly conversation with Catholic fellas and in the process perhaps we could both learn a bit about ourselves. I was also beginning to consider getting off the site sometime in the new year. One year, I thought, was probably enough.

When I got an e-mail from John December 18, I was very receptive and relaxed. And that was the tone of his e-mail too. If he and I had just a brief “conversation” or if it extended a while longer, either way it could be fruitful, I told myself. Having received no response from some of the men I had e-mailed, I was delighted that here was someone who wanted to chat.

Chapter One: “It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes . . . and instructions for dancing.”*

Two steps forward, one step back. That became the basic pattern of our courtship. In his second e-mail, John suggested we talk by phone. In his third e-mail he offered to drive over to Baton Rouge from Tampa for New Year’s. But I, being the more experienced AMS member (!) and more reserved generally, discouraged meeting so soon, in case it should go badly. Better to get to know each other more first. Our initial phone call took place on December 29, and it lasted about an hour and a half. Though I felt John was doing a clinical in-take on me, it was an engrossing first conversation!

Our phone calls continued, including sharing the last sunset of 2005 on Florida’s west coast and the first sunrise of 2006 on its east coast. Within a couple of weeks I felt we either needed to suspend our phone calls or meet very soon. Something was developing here and I was in danger of falling for a man I’d never met in person!

John was a gallant knight and drove to Baton Rouge from Tampa in one day–a Saturday–and then drove back that Monday, Martin Luther King Day. Meeting in person is always like meeting someone cold. Though you’ve talked to and e-mailed with this person, there is still so much to absorb and compute about who they are when you meet face-to-face. It took me a while, but by Sunday I was feeling comfortable around John. There was still so much to learn about each other, of course!

We continued our long-distance communication over the next two months, and things were very heady and romantic! We both expressed the need to stay grounded in reality! For me, it felt like an exhilarating ride downhill at full speed while also realizing it’s probably a good idea to brake some. I next visited John in Tampa around St. Patrick’s Day. More self-revelation ensued, and this time when I returned to Baton Rouge I felt strong reservations about continuing to see him. One step back.

We took a month long hiatus from each other and did not communicate. I prayed very hard. I also let myself communicate with other AMS members. There was something there in John I was drawn to, so despite some concerns, I decided to resume getting to know him if he was agreeable, and he was! We were not exclusive, though, with each other.

Chapter Two: “Some of it’s transcendental, some of it’s just really dumb.”*

The divine and the human. We all have both in us, and that is the glory and the difficulty. From June 2006 to March 2008, John and I broke up and got back together four times (I think). Just looking at such a pattern—not to mention the reasons for the break-ups—would make anyone understandably skeptical about the wisdom of continuing in the relationship. Why did things unfold for us this way? Why did we not give up?

Both John and I had some growing to do in practical, spiritual, and emotional ways. Being long distance from each other----and not in a position to travel on a whim—meant longs gaps between our visits, even when we weren’t “off again.” When we became engaged, we were enjoying our tenth visit in person over a period of more than two years. Neither of us has ever been married, and we are well into middle age. We probably know ourselves better as a result, but we also are probably more conscious of the risks too.

Learning to accept another person, as well as myself, with all accompanying faults has been the hardest, most important thing for me in our courtship. I’m still learning. I am an admitted perfectionist—which doesn’t make for the happiest or healthiest of relationships. And I can be very hard on myself too. One of the great developments and blessings during the past two years has been coming to really know Jesus as a Person who loves me as I am, through meditative prayer with Scripture. My spiritual director led me to this, and it has healed me in very real ways. Also in the past two years I’ve come to grow in my understanding of what marriage is and how it is to be lived. I know I cannot love John as I am called to without the power of God enabling me through my acceptance of grace and of suffering. Throughout the courtship, John and I have tried to make our relationship based on God and His will. Our refrains have included, “Don’t Get Ahead of the Holy Spirit,” “Jesus, We Trust in You!” and “Glorify God With Me! Together Let Us Praise His Name.”

It’s hard to know when a concern or doubt or issue or worry is big enough to end a relationship. I ended ours several times. But I came back to it–to John–to an ongoing dance of two steps forward, one step back. The love, faith, and values John and I share are the essence of why were are here. The aggravations, selfishness, pride, pettiness, flaws, and fears are too! Being in this relationship is like having a mirror held up to me. I don’t always like what I see, but I need that mirror to become who God wants me to be–a holy woman.

John and I assume that all couples have to go through similar stages of dying to self and unconditionally accepting the other. If it doesn’t happen before the wedding, then it will afterwards. For us, it has been before, and we find that a blessing.

Chapter 3: “Things We’re All Too Young to Know”*

Just before the last time John and I broke up, I had believed we were closing in on a coming to a commitment to marry. Then new information and doubts were raised. I felt I could not risk heartache again by continuing in the relationship. I knew the facts. I knew the very good reasons for why ending things was best for me.

What happened between the time of that break up and Easter Sunday is best described as death and resurrection. John and I both felt this time things were really over for us. We both reactivated our AMS profiles. I felt the same old loneliness I felt before meeting John and every time we had broken up before. I was firm, though, and told myself to be patient. I was beginning to think that perhaps God did not intend for me to marry. I tried to be hopeful about whatever my future held.

I fought the urge to call John, knowing that the strength of a desire does not necessarily correspond with its wholesomeness. Then one day, I gave in and called him, with no agenda, but just to try to apologize for the unpleasantness our final communication had taken on. It was clear to me that I loved John, despite both of our imperfections. I did not know if he would even take my call—but he did, and I felt alive again. It was Palm Sunday, and John asked to come see me for Easter, and I agreed. We had no plan–just to talk about the issues that had led to our break-up.

And talk we did. Good Friday John drove into town, and after church services we talked for about two hours standing up in my dining room and then finally realized we might want to sit down and be a little more comfortable! What was on my mind was to come to a reconciliation regarding the issues that had divided us. And to make clear to him that I was crazy about him! I am sort of reserved and cautious, and I wanted to be sure he knew how I felt, no matter what the future might bring. Both of us had a deep sense of gratitude to God for the Resurrection and our resurrected relationship that Easter weekend!

Conclusion: “You Ought to Give Me Wedding Rings”*

Margaret

Adoration Chapel Prayer Garden

Little did I know that this correspondence would lead to many long phone calls, nearly a dozen visits (some of a week's duration), and to my asking Margaret to become my wife on Easter Sunday 2008 in the prayer garden where we first met! On that beautiful Resurrection Sunday, Margaret blessed me by joyfully exclaiming "Yes!" to the proposal poem that I'd written and memorized.

That Easter Sunday was a day of resurrection in more than one sense, because Margaret and I, both of who had been single never been married for many years, had come into our relationship with firmly established personalities, as well as with cautiously open hearts. (We'd each been engaged just after our college years, dated, etc.) As a result, during our courting days with one another, love bloomed, but conflicts also emerged which drove us apart several times. Plus, the long distance factor also compounded matters(despite my teacher holidays and summers off). But, much prayer and forgiveness led us back to one another, allowing us to grow in understanding and love.

That process, which is of course continuous for couples, was bolstered by our seeing a catholic counselor who helped us to better understand the dynamics of our personalities, our relationship, and of the paradox of marriage being a gentle yoke. Margaret's personality is romantic, analytical, and funny, and I love that about her, perhaps because I'm much like that too -in a guy's kind of way. When we were in sync we'd have the best of times, but at when we rubbed each other the wrong way it was very unpleasant. Our counseling sessions took place during the summer, prior to our Pre-Cana in autumn, and then again preceding our marriage,which was on the weekend between Christmas and New Year's (The Feast of St. John).

The weekend of our wedding was a flurry of activity. Our wedding and reception were deliberately modest in scale, which best reflects our general style. The Friday night before the wedding we welcomed our mostly out of town guest (Margaret is originally from Arkansas) to a festive informal gathering. That event set a cordial and relaxed tone which continued throughout our wedding day. Ah, our wedding day. The weather turned out to be sunny, in spite of the forecast. A strong balmy breeze persisted though, but that seemed to nicely charge the atmosphere.

Inside the church the solemn beauty of the Christmas altar, the heavenly sound of the music and, and then the angelic sight of my bride, all had me blinking back tears of joy. With a deep breath though, I refocused on the matters at hand, just before being given Margaret’s hand. As we were stepping up toward the altar, we could see a creche with a baby Jesus reaching out to greet us. We could also see the approving look of Margaret's pastor, who had been a source of such wise counsel. The Lord was present in so many ways there at the altar, even beyond the body and blood of Christ that we shared. I was filled with humble gratitude that I should be so blessed, and so loved. Then, our vows were sealed with a kiss.

Shortly after that, the reception in the adjoining church hall followed. The smiles, the well wishes, the food, the cake, the dance, the toasts, and the send off they all happened so effortlessly, and so quickly. Margaret’s seamless efforts were evident in every detail. She a force to behold, and has a heart of gold.

Then after our send off, Margaret and I made a trip to the prayer garden where we had first met one another, where we had first kissed one another, and where we had become engaged to one another. This visit though we were wonderfully husband and wife. As we walked by the garden's fountain pool, near the adoration chapel, a gust of wind from the still lingering balmy breeze unexpected blew a good spray of water upon us, and we immediately took it to be a blessing. I pray that blessings and grace will continue to be bestowed upon us as we strive to keep Christ at the center of our marriage. Amen.

John

Christmas Day 2009

In The Book of Love, I wrote, “John and I assume that all couples have to go through similar stages of dying to self and unconditionally accepting the other. If it doesn’t happen before the wedding, then it will afterwards. For us, it has been before, and we find that a blessing.”

Talk about “things we’re all too young to know”! That dying to self, that unconditionally accepting each other,are still ongoing. And likely will be all our lives. They are the woof and warp of the married vocation. The resurrection we experienced the weekend we became engaged back in 2008, we have experienced several times in the year and a half that we have been married. Bishop Sheen brilliantly describes that ongoing process of traveling ever higher through recurring death and resurrection in his book "Three to Get Married."

Truly, marriage is a miracle and a mystery. It is only by God’s grace, including the grace to accept and cooperate with His grace, that John and I are where we are.

And where are we? Well, practically speaking, we still have a long-distance relationship! He is in Florida, and I am in Louisiana. This is due mainly to career and economic reasons. Some people respond to our situation by saying it is not good to live apart. Others say it sounds like the ideal marriage. We just try to pray and listen and trust that God is leading us. In every situation, there is always a blessing, often found inside a cross. For us, we have a “holiday inn” sort of marriage---getting together for Christmas & New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Summertime/July 4th, Labor Day, Thanksgiving! We are grateful to have the gift of each other and of marriage, however unconventional our life may be at present. Jesus, we trust in you!

*from lyrics to "The Book of Love," by Stephin Merritt

Margaret